Introduction
I may get slaughtered for this article; however, I need to express my frustrations (tongue in cheek) about people who want to write for New Writers Welcome who cannot be bothered to read.
How can you write if you can’t read?
AAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Ah, the never-ending influx of hopeful wordsmiths here at “New Writers Welcome.” We crave fresh voices, scintillating prose, and insightful articles that tickle our readers' intellectual, funny bones. But lately, folks seem to be mistaking our “Write for Us” page for a suggestion box scribbled on a napkin after a particularly potent margarita night.
Let’s be clear, aspiring Einsteins of the essay game: clicking “Write for Us” isn’t some mystical writerly initiation ritual.
It’s a gateway, a portal leading to a land filled with helpful hints, editorial expectations, and, most importantly, the actual application process.
I Sniff My Underwear
Do you? It’s A Great Testmedium.com
Here’s a typical scenario: I post an article, a social media musing on the philosophical implications of sporks (because, deep thoughts, people!), and wham! My inbox explodes with emails like this:
“Hey awesome article! I’m a new writer and I wanna write for you guys! Here’s my epic on the mating habits of the Mongolian Death Worm!”
Bless their enthusiasm, but hold on there, T.E. Lawrence. Did you, by any chance, glance at the part where we politely request writers tackle topics relevant to our publication? Because last I checked, sporks and subterranean skull-boring worms are about as thematically linked as a tutu and a taxidermied moose head.
Then there are the comment section cowboys, those who treat the “guidelines” section like an unwelcome rodeo clown and their article like a bucking bronco of nonsensical ramblings.
They submit a piece that vaguely resembles the written word, riddled with enough grammatical errors to make a mime cry. Then, when it inevitably gets the boot, they fire off a message laced with more confusion than a lost sock in a dryer:
“But I put so much effort into this! Why wasn’t it accepted?”
Here’s a thought, champ
Maybe try putting some effort into, you know, reading the application instructions? We’re not looking for the next Hemingway here, but a basic grasp of the written word and the ability to follow directions would be swell.
Look, we love aspiring writers. We yearn to be your launchpad into the literary stratosphere! But that launchpad requires a little pre-flight prep, you know, like strapping on your metaphorical reading comprehension helmet and fueling up on some clear goddamn instructions.
I Witnessed A Man Laughing At A Policeman For Smashing His Car.
It was so funny.medium.com
Now, buckle up, wordsmith wannabes, because we’re about to unveil a trophy worthy of a museum of literary oddities: the “Can’t-Follow-Directions” Award.
The current champion, a determined soul with a penchant for purple prose and a complete disregard for deadlines, holds the record at a staggering eight applications. Eight!
That’s eight times through the wringer of our step-by-step instructions, eight times past the blinking neon sign that screams “WATCH THE TUTORIAL VIDEO,” and yet, eight times they’ve managed to spectacularly whiff on at least four of our basic rules.
So, to all the future Fitzgeralds and Plath wannabes out there: we beseech you, with the fervour of a thousand librarians, please take two seconds to read the guidelines before submitting your work.
It’ll save you the heartache and us the existential dread of wondering if anyone out there can actually follow a simple set of instructions.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a thesaurus and a steaming cup of creativity. There’s an article on the philosophical musings of sporks waiting to be written, and this time, I’m keeping it in-house.