Introduction
Alright, class, settle in and grab your metaphorical quill. Today’s lesson.
“How to Avoid Medium Gurus Who Think They’re Hemingway (But Have the Follower Count of a Particularly Unpopular Houseplant)”.
Yes, you read that right. The internet is crawling with self-proclaimed Medium Mavens who promise to catapult you to viral fame faster than you can say “listicle.”
But before you genuflect at their clickbait altar, let’s take a closer look at these dubious digital deities and their, ahem, “sage” advice.
I Worked in the Adult Industry — 10 Facts About Me
What a surprise!medium.com
Ah, the hallowed halls of the 10,000 Claps Club. It's the El Dorado for Medium writers, a land paved with digital currency and whispers of book deals. But fear not, fellow wordsmiths!
The internet overflows with Medium Mavericks who’ve unlocked the secret sauce despite their own profiles resembling the abandoned library wing in a horror movie.
These self-styled Scrivener Sherpas boast bios that would make Hemingway roll over in his grave. Prepare for a barrage of buzzwords like “growth hacking” and “thought leadership” that could power a small city for a month.
Their advice columns are treasure troves of dubious wisdom, promising to turn your listicle about “Top 10 Things Your Cat Secretly Judges You On” into a viral masterpiece.
Headline Havoc
Gone are the days of thoughtful titles. Now, it’s all about the clickbait chaos. Brace yourself for masterpieces like “The ONE Habit That Will Make Editors BEG You to Write!!” or “Medium Made Me Do It
My Crazy Experiment With Only Eating Avocado Toast for a Year (You Won’t Believe What Happened!)”
The Cult of Engagement
Engagement is between the king, queen, and the entire royal court in Guru Land. They’ll urge you to “be vulnerable” by sharing deeply personal stories about your goldfish collection or your sock-folding technique.
The more outlandish, the better! Because apparently, nothing says “literary genius” like public laundry confessions.
I Sniff My Underwear
Do you? It’s A Great Testmedium.com
Now, you might be scratching your head and wondering, “If these Medium Michelangelos are swimming in a sea of claps, why do their profiles look like a tumbleweed convention?”
Ah, that, my friend, is the million-dollar question (which they’ll probably write a listicle about).
The truth is, there’s no magic formula. No “7 Easy Steps to Medium Mastery” handbook exists (although, someone get that on the “Writing Advice” shelf, stat!).
Building an audience takes quality content, dedication, and the ability to avoid turning your profile into a clickbait circus.
So, the next time you encounter a Medium Mastermind with a clap count that wouldn’t impress a mime, remember.
By following their tactics, there’s a better chance of finding buried treasure in your overflowing drafts folder than becoming a viral sensation.
Unless, of course, your treasure is endless entertainment watching the Medium melodrama unfold. In that case, grab some popcorn, settle in, and enjoy the wild ride. Just try not to get seasick from all the listicles.
Stung By A Jelly Fish
Scared of the seamedium.com
Conclusion
So there you have it, aspiring writers of the Medium world!
Forget the dubious disciples of clickbait. Focus on honing your craft, embrace the joy of writing, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll achieve Medium mastery without having to turn your profile into a digital version of a carnival barker.
Remember, the only guaranteed outcome of blindly following these Gurus’ “advice” is a serious case of carpal tunnel from crafting clickbait headlines and a lifetime supply of disappointment.
But hey, if that’s your idea of a good time, who am I to judge? The internet is a vast space, and there’s always room for one more clown car.
Just try not to block the view for the rest of us trying to write something halfway decent.